Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
