There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
