i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
