Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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