Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
