This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Two words: blizzard sex
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
