Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize