sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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