i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
