Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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