More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
