you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
