I think im going to throw up on grandma
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
