I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
