Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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