Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
