i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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