Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Randomize
