I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
