dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
