mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
