Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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