Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
