Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
