It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
