I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
