so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
