The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
