OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
