can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
