sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize