my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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