..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
