At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
