i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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