My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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