If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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