My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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