I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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