i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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