I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
