i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
