Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
