I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
