I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
