the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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