Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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