Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
