I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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