Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
