I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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