Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
