i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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