Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize