So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
