Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
