I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
