Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
