and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
